this is half-hearted living.

i know i'm going to have to say goodbye soon. and i can't stand it. i won't even think of it outside the confines of this sentence and the sinking feeling I get anytime i'm driving too fast just to get away from this place. these four walls have left me feeling more alone than i ever expected. mostly because this house feels empty. even when everyone is here and even when i can't think because of all the yelling pulsating down the hallways, it's unspeakably hollow. i know it's because this place isn't home anymore. since home is a person and i lost that. i'm not where i'm supposed to be. i'm not with who i'm supposed to be. and i'm not who i'm supposed to be.

but most of all, i don't know where i belong.

sometimes, when it's late and i can't sleep, i replay the things i miss the most behind my closed eyelids. everything is about you or someone else who is just as gone. these are the things i do to myself when i'm too tired to fight anymore. too tired to even move. too tired to not think about you after an endless day of forcing myself not to. because during the day, the one thing i know with any type of certainty is i cannot afford to remember you. at least not right now.

it's crippling.

i can feel my bones fracture from the pressure of what could have been if i had been just a little more careful. kept my emotions in check. been patient and tried to figure out what you really wanted or if i had just been better at being with you, supporting you, loving you instead of getting it all confused. i'm sorry--i meant to do those things. i wish i would have or still could if you wanted me to.

i'm more reckless than i think sometimes so when i'm playing the images in my head, i know i shouldn't be thinking these things, but i do not care. not right now. still i shouldn't be thinking about the taste of your skin. your fingers fitting perfectly between mine. your breath hot against my neck, my thighs, my mouth. You were everywhere. i can still feel you everywhere. and i swear to god, it's killing me.

i cannot afford to think about the sound of your voice and how it's slipping from me. how you would bite the corner of your lip when you smiled even though i no longer recall the exact contours of your face no matter how hard i try. how my heart skips beats and fumbles and breaks everyday. the look on your face when i saw you last. the words i said to you when we fell apart. things i never should have said. things i never should have done.

i cannot afford to remember these things since i cannot afford to remember you, but i also know i cannot afford to forget.

this is why i'm stuck. this is why i can't get over you no matter how many times i begin, because there's this never ending universe of regrets and fears and confusion and pointless hopes that i may need a lifetime to sort out.

i know that i'm going to have to live this way. loving you with half a heart. never quite whole again.

i will never pretend i deserve anything better.