winter always reminds me of you.

It never snowed last December, but it was always there on the horizon. Like a bad dream on the periphery of my vision, a relentless reminder that I don't ever have control over things the way I think I do. The way I want to. Recently, I realized that I feel everything a bit too sharply. The cold. The pain. The nothingness.

It's heart wrenching. It's stomach twisting.

The minute you were gone, the air in my lungs left too. It's amazing how long you can live without breathing. It's much longer than anyone tends to claim. Truthfully, it's not even the thing I miss anymore. I only miss you. I miss the feelings. I miss anything that isn't the slow crack and settle of this old building. Or the familiar beating of my heart. The sun rising and falling from the sky each and every day.

I don't remember what it's like to not wake up to a pattern, but I do remember that it was so much better than this.

I used to never know what to expect. Now I have no expectations at all. It didn't take me long to figure out which option was better. If I could bring you back – bring it all back – I would, if only for a minute.

For even a second to remember what it felt like to be alive.