hello—

just promise me you’re listening.

since once you get used to being ignored for long enough, it’s nice to pretend that you could be something. that you could say something that matters. and that somewhere, someone is listening. and for now, i’ll make believe that you’ll make everything better. that the air will taste like sunshine even though it’s been raining for days. or that my heart isn’t disconnected and that maybe my lips will get the message. or even that for the next two and half minutes you’ll love me.

i’ll make believe.
i’ll make believe you.
i’ll make believe you care.

___

goodbye—

just promise me you’re leaving.

i know that once you get used to being nothing, it’s nice to pretend that you can actually be somebody’s something. the problem is you can’t or rather, i can’t. since i have this disappearing sickness, and i’ve been pretending for the last sixty three and a half days that i don’t exist. since everyone knows the best things in life aren’t really real. and just this one time, i want to be something so beautiful it hurts. i want to make a difference and know it. i want to be selfish and be okay with it. i want to believe that you even exist or that i do.

i want.
i want to not want.
i want to not want to disappear.

___

ps—

just promise me you’ll remember.

i know what it’s like to pretend you’re perfect. or to realize that you’re not even beautiful since nothing is up close. you’re standing three and half inches away from me, and i’m begging you to listen, to leave, to care. it’s like i want everything and nothing both at this exact moment. i want to love you and to hate you. or i want your hand in mine, but i don’t want you to touch me. i’m intentionally a mess so that i can pretend like it’s what holds me back. since tomorrow, instead of meeting you, i’m going to be making my hair into perfect waves so i can wear the ocean and drown before i find you. i’m going to be wiping shadows off the wall so that i don’t have to worry about what i’ll find in them. tomorrow, i’ll be ignoring the issue, but that’s not what i want. i don’t really want to get lost. it’s just what i do, but if you think you could love me, please come find me whoever you may be.

promise.
promise you’ll remember.
promise you’ll remember me.