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I can still feel the weight of your lips on the curve of my collarbone. Sometimes, it feels paralyzing, crushing, absolute. Sometimes, it feels like home. Like everything.

I once heard that when you can't fall asleep it means you're awake in someone else's dream. I wonder which one of us was dreaming that night, because everything was too quiet, too easy, too perfect. You used to fall asleep next to me, your body curled against mine. It's a warmth that's not easy to forget. A hidden smile tucked into pillows and sheets. It's easy to think these things will last forever when you're tangled up together. For me, the strings of my life will always be tangled up in yours. Forever tied to you. No matter hard they attempt to fray. To fall apart. To sever.

--

It's snowing for the first time this year. Soft and gentle, glittering in the sunlight, falling in large flakes, easy and quiet nothing at all like the storm that rages inside of me, turning up the corners of my heart, throwing shrapnel in my skin, leaving its mark, since nothing has been easy since you left. Nothing has been quiet. Nothing has been soft and nothing has been gentle.

It's been nearly a year since your footprints melted away from the patio of our apartment building, but I still look for them there. I don't know if I think it'll make it easier if I knew where you went, but I do know that every chance I get, I still wish that I had followed after you. But by the time I wanted to find you, the snow had gone away with you.

It's not easy being alone. It's not something they teach in school. Not like they teach you algorithms and how to solve for x and the meaning of "allegorical" like anyone fucking cares. They didn't teach me how to solve for you missing or how to pay my rent or what it means for the world to go on beyond the simple fact that it's still spinning.

--

I still wake up in the morning, but the sheets are always cold. I still start up my old car, waiting for it to cough to life. And I still drive by the cemetery on my way to work and it still sings to me in a language I don't understand. It reminds me of you and how you used to change like the seasons, but somehow uneasy, like a tornado in January, a snowstorm in June, a heat wave in the dead of winter. I flinch when I remember your storm of temperaments. I should've known something was wrong because you weren't steady and I wasn't steady and we were falling. And for what? a few extra moments of safety before the streets were buried alive. I could see your footsteps weaving away from the back door of the building, but it wasn't worth following you. I'd followed you too far and now I was stuck here. I'm still stuck here still waiting for that warm moment to come back too me. Skin against skin under covers. Hearts against hearts behind soft whispers. Hands in hands with nothing better to reach for. Nothing better to want. But you can't give me that anymore. So I wait. Indefinitely. Inexplicably. In denial.
--

You're intangible and my mother keeps telling me to pray for you as if clasped fingers and archaic words can undo a thunderstorm, take the lightning out of the sky, and bring you back to me. But even after all of that, there are still puddles at my feet and packed cardboard boxes at the door. And you're still leaving me. Or maybe you've already left. I can feel it in my bones, in the center of my gut, in all the soft spots inside of me that are collapsing under all this weight. The weight that used to be a kiss. The weight of all of this.

--

I don't pray for you, because that would mean admitting you're gone, because even though I was there, they still have to remind me of the twelve inches of snow that swallowed you whole, the smashed headlights, and broken bones. They still have to remind me of the flashing lights, the screech of the sirens, the hospital. Even though I was there, they have to tell me about the funeral procession and the cemetery that sings to me even when I'm not awake. They have to remind me that you didn't leave, but I won't listen. Because that would mean you were stolen from me, taken some place better as if being here with me wasn't enough. It would mean being gone forever, but leaving means you can still come back. If I follow those footprints far enough, maybe I can still find you.
a work in progress, i think!
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:iconlightbulbz:
LightBulbz Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014
holy shit.
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:iconcookie-jam:
Cookie-Jam Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2013  Student Writer
This is fantastic. Amazing buildup and flawless ending that really tied everything together. Thank you for creating such a beautiful, touching combination of words and sentences that made an impact on me and probably everyone who read this. Why aren't you a novelist yet?! Congratulations on getting married by the way! :D :tighthug: :heart;
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:iconvergilusphoenix:
vergilusphoenix Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
As I read this word after word, sentence after sentence I felt I found the perfect prose for the feelings I could never express in words :)
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:iconesotericheart:
EsotericHeart Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
you and your words never get any less beautiful.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013   Writer
you are far too kind! it's sorta ridiculous <3 thank yoou
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:icondannyanthony:
DannyAnthony Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in DA Expo II here: [link]
Please check out the blog and favourite some pieces!
Maybe even suggest a deviant/group/deviation for the next issue?

Thanks, :Dan
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:iconangryangel57:
angryangel57 Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
please write some more <3
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:iconbmwysp:
BMWYSP Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Professional Writer
heart felt and wondrously agonizing. <3
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:iconthisonesforthelonely:
thisonesforthelonely Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Student Photographer
I will never stop being inspired by your writing :heart:
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me!
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! I've used the title of this piece in a poem for of my Found Poetry Project :heart:
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Beautiful! Thanks for including my title!
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Of course!
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:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013   Writer
Well. That hurt.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Yeah, I'm super depressing sometimes.
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:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013   Writer
Me too :shrug:
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:iconarbitergirl:
ArbiterGirl Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I cried.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
I apologize, but also honored that my words moved you.
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:iconarbitergirl:
ArbiterGirl Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Don't apologize.


An emotional piece hasn't done its job if the reader doesn't feel something afterwards.
It takes a lot for literature to make me cry. It's been ages since something has moved me this much. It's wonderful when that happens.

Thank you so much for being a writer. I wish there were more with your kind of skills out there.
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:iconlosingmyfaith:
losingmyfaith Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
Well. "It would mean being gone forever, but leaving means you can still come back. If I follow those footprints far enough, maybe I can still find you." That just about broke my heart. In a good way. In a "this is why I love John Green" type of way. Beautiful, dear. <3
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Ahhhhhhghhh. Super flattered to even have john green's name in a comment about my writing. I live that man's words. I inspire to write like him someday.
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:iconteardownthefence:
teardownthefence Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
This is beautiful and inspiring.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
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:iconsmilewithlove:
smilewithlove Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow... :heart:
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Awh, thanks!
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:iconsmilewithlove:
smilewithlove Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome
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:iconeternal-skye:
Eternal-Skye Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
"I still wake up in the morning, but the sheets are always cold." I really like that line.
:icongreatjobplz:
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
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:iconpanda-spirit:
Panda-Spirit Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
I was very apprehensive on reading this. I never feel that way about your pieces, but I waited to read this. I felt like I couldn't read it yet. Like there was something waiting for me, and I could not open a door without me name on it.

I waited until today to read it, and my whole self is crumbling under your whispering words. My sweetheart, it's miserable. I love this piece to bits and it hurts to read.


I have missed you so much. I miss your writing.
I love every piece you write. Every piece just holds onto me and grips me.

I can't express how this just steals me away from the world, like all of your pieces.
Your writing is like a soft song being sung, entering from the front of my chest and staying wrapped around my rib cage, whispering in-between heartbeats. It's so lovely.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Awh, youuuu. I've missed you and your super complimentary ways that make me feel all loved and wonderful. Thank you so much, darling.
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:iconpanda-spirit:
Panda-Spirit Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Student General Artist
You are always the most welcome <3
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:iconmysocksrock:
MySocksRock Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
I just don't even have words... wow.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Awh. Thank you so much!
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:iconmichi-iyo:
michi-iyo Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
every bit of this. but especially this;

It's not easy being alone. It's not something they teach in school. Not like they teach you algorithms and how to solve for x and the meaning of "allegorical" like anyone fucking cares. They didn't teach me how to solve for you missing or how to pay my rent or what it means for the world to go on beyond the simple fact that it's still spinning.

your words touched me a little more than I'm comfortable with.
thank you for them.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you for your lovely compliments!
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:iconmekamouse:
MekaMouse Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Student Writer
I have to agree. That part melted my bones. Honestly. Her words touched my heart so loudly. There is such an eloquence to the way she writes and it breaks my heart.
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:icontyrael0315:
Tyrael0315 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
so lovely, yet so sad...
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconrain-kissed-drops:
Rain-kissed-drops Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"I can still feel the weight of your lips on the curve of my collarbone. Sometimes, it feels paralyzing, crushing, absolute. Sometimes, it feels like home. Like everything."

...that captured my attention from the first line, and it carried on and built up the more i read, and the ending just blew me away.

it's pain-strikingly raw and beautiful. absolutely would fav this x a million. pulled at my heart-strings, that's how amazing it is. i'd re-read over it again. i love this piece that much. well-done! :thumbsup:

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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Ahh what a huge compliment. Thank you so much. People like you inspire me to keep writing whenever I feel like I can't do it anymore which means more than I can even say. Thank again for that.
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:iconohsparrowsong:
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
:heart:
so so lovely, missy.
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:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013   Writer
Thank you, stacie!
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:iconohsparrowsong:
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
:heart:
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