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my heart beat still skips like stones. and i can almost see the breaks in the surface from where all these misconstrued feelings ripple out and dissipate. like drops of water on my window pane, bleeding together and streaming away. like dust in our airways, inhaled, exhaled and slowing settling until my whole world is covered with a thick layer of grime and i'm left wondering if this is what love is supposed to feel like.

it is, right?

because otherwise, i'm shy of the mark and even shyer of finding something new to waste my time on since these lips—they don't move as much as they should because i tend to let my heart do all the talking so that every mistake i make reverberates and quakes and these four walls i've built around me tumble down until there's nothing but debris. i'm left to clean up the mess. refortifying my bad decisions with better intentions that are still not quite as high as they used to be.

but maybe a lower wall will let the right things in.

the chances though these days are unlikely and i know soon i'll be nursing another wound. stitching up the seams of a half thought out plan that involved me being happier than i am right now if only i could make someone hear me out. but you can never make anyone do exactly what you have planned.

you can only hope.

but i try to hope less these days. since that's the only feeling that is fitting to my small doses of reality. if i had known today was going to be like this, i would have never left my bed. besides when i'm tangled up in sheets i can pretend that i'm not as alone as i feel. that my spine hasn't totally folded in on itself and packed away, because dear god, i need to stand up straight. chin up, darling. chin up because the world isn't going to give you something good unless you're willing to fight for it.

and i promise this fight is the only thing i've ever had.

i've got the scars and bruises to prove it, but if hands are meant for holding, these palms have seen too much bad to bring any comfort to the subtle arch of your fingertips but i'm still hoping you'll let me intertwine my fingers into yours anyways, because you seem like the sort of person that could save me. tomorrow, if the sea came and swallowed me, i'd like to believe that your firm grasp would be the one to rescue me, because every girl needs a hero sooner or later, and i'd like my hero to be you.

but the ending is always closer than any of us like to pretend, and i'm stuck wondering if i'll find you in time. i mean, honestly, when have you ever flipped to the last page of a story to find it ending like this. a whole world collapsing in on itself as if we could paint galaxies on our fingertips and fix this by molding a different set of circumstances that would erase this slow destruction and bring me one step closer to where i want to be. exactly where you are. wherever that is. i haven't found it yet but i will.

i swear it.
this is something. i personally like it best when i read it aloud which i would do if i wasn't so horrifyingly awkward.

it still needs a little cleaning up. work in progress and whatnot (:

let me know if you see any horrible mistakes. i'm sure they're there. i kind of wrote this in a continuous go. i'm not sure if it makes sense, but honestly, i never am really so that's nothing new.
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:iconmichi-iyo:
michi-iyo Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012
oh I have read this about 12 times over the past few days. keeping it open in seperate tab to read it again and again,
and everytime I came to love it more and understand it better.
I really really like this.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012   Writer
awh, that makes me smile. thank you!
Reply
:iconsatah:
Satah Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2011
the rhythm of this is brilliant! it feels like a song. amazed.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012   Writer
thank you!! i'm behind in responding, but this comment makes me happy regardless!
Reply
:iconeternal-skye:
Eternal-Skye Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2011  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Wow. You are such an amazing writer. It gave me goosebumps, I wish I sounded like this. Its so...vivid. Really, great job.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2011   Writer
oh, gosh, you're too kind to me. thank you <3
Reply
:iconeternal-skye:
Eternal-Skye Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2011  Hobbyist Interface Designer
lol You are welcome.
Reply
:iconvalynaporia:
ValynAporia Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
There's a... rhythm to this that I find compelling. I can see why you say it'd be great read aloud. I think that fits.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011   Writer
thank you! as i said, i would read it aloud but that is for sure not my forte. i'm a behind the scenes kind of girl. which means i stick to writing. (:
Reply
:iconvalynaporia:
ValynAporia Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011
I understand. I'm very much the same way.
Reply
:iconartchicjm:
artchicjm Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011
I really really love this! I've read a few of your others, and i think you're really quite talented. =)
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
you are too wonderful. thank you so much (:
Reply
:iconartchicjm:
artchicjm Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2011
You're quite welcome =)
Reply
:iconinsanitykeepsmesane:
InsanityKeepsMeSane Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
I read it out loud, well kinda it was more of a hushed whisper I suppose but it sounded good to me and made all too much sence.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011   Writer
Thanks! <3
Reply
:iconkat4026:
kat4026 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011
this is so amazing, thank you, you express alot, it really is meaningful
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: :love: I've missed your style of writing.
Reply
:iconpsycho-ferret-killer:
psycho-ferret-killer Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2011
I really like the style that you have, its very unique and it really makes the words shout out at the reader. I feel like you get kind of captured in it because there is so much going on its an overwhelming experience to read it. I'm rather impressed :D xxx
Reply
:iconcalming-exhale:
calming-exhale Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2011
You're so amazingly talented!!
Reply
:icondisorientingwish:
DisorientingWish Featured By Owner May 29, 2011
i lovee thiss.
Reply
:iconwslafleur:
WSLaFleur Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Student Digital Artist
heroes are subjective, dearest. i'd love it if you uploaded yourself reading this aloud - please do so and let me know once you have.
Reply
:iconmissxblondie:
missxblondie Featured By Owner May 23, 2011  Student Photographer
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS! :love: All of your work is amazing dear! Keep it up! :)
Reply
:iconravenwolfe0:
Ravenwolfe0 Featured By Owner May 20, 2011
I found no mistakes. faved.
Reply
:iconlimene:
limene Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Student Digital Artist
my god. this stings in such a bittersweet way.
somehow things that may not 'make sense' end up making sense to all of us in a different way.
you're such a talented writer.
Reply
:iconpetit--loup:
petit--loup Featured By Owner May 18, 2011  Student Writer
You are my inspiration. I hope that one day I'll be able to write so fluidly as you. Don't stop writing, you're one of the people that needs to be known to the world so that we can all partake in this small journey away from the real world.
Reply
:iconkagerow-retales:
Kagerow-Retales Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
It is beautiful, no big word to make it complicated, just clear and beautiful word that effects hearts core.
Reply
:iconangelic-ins0mniac-xo:
i cannot explaine how much this moved me, for what it's worth, i have no words. :heart:
Reply
:iconleongeds:
Leongeds Featured By Owner May 17, 2011  Student Digital Artist
This is absolutely incredicle. :hug: And I can't help but to be curious about what it would sound like if you read it out loud... :meow:
Reply
:iconohsparrowsong:
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
gah, you are too amazing miss steph.
i have been so spoiled this week as far as wonderful pieces appearing in my inbox.
this is just gorgeous, and i can relate. as i can with everything you write.

(goody, more inspiration (: )
Reply
:iconlosingmyfaith:
losingmyfaith Featured By Owner May 17, 2011  Student Writer
I like it. I think it's a piece a lot of people can relate to. Wonderful work (:
Reply
:iconrunedarkmoor:
RuneDarkmoor Featured By Owner May 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm not one for writers. Yours just continue to impress though. <.<
Reply
:iconderangedcoffee:
DerangedCoffee Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
This is so amazing, and you are my favorite writer. I know you probably hear it all the time, but I always get so excited when I see something new from you. <3

I wish I could quote my favorite part of this, but I like too many to choose. =S
Reply
:iconsetsuyu:
setsuyu Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
i love this raw. i love how it's not really teen angst but it still portrays your conicting feelings. the word usage is very well done and tutter stop of some of your sentences adds to the atmosphere of insecurity and perseverance. much love for this piece.
Reply
:iconkippytreekojk:
kippytreekojk Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
lovely piece, I like to read all of your work because your such an amazing writer. (;
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
fjaldsfjls! thank you so so much. you have no idea what that means to me <3 <3 <3
Reply
:icondead-ontheinside:
DEAD-OnTheInside Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
I love this piece. Perhaps too much.

From the bottom upwards, I found these.

i mean honestly when have you ever flipped to last page of a story
the last page of.

tomorrow, if sea came and swallowed me i'd like
if the sea.

i've got the scars and bruise to prove it,
bruises? otherwise change to the bruise.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
THANK YOU!!!

i'm glad you love it. i'm also glad you took the time to point out those errors. i really hate having all these silly mistakes in my pieces but it's so hard to find them on my own. i keep automatically correcting it. so thank you SO much <3
Reply
:icondead-ontheinside:
DEAD-OnTheInside Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
You're very welcome. I feel the same about my errors. Thank you so much for writing this, it has made my day :)
Reply
:iconi-am-a-pickle:
i-am-a-pickle Featured By Owner May 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I read it out loud after reading the artist's comment. I prefer it like that too.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
yay! i'm glad i'm not the only one. thank you <3
Reply
:iconprojectilewordvomit:
projectilewordvomit Featured By Owner May 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: I love it. It makes my tummy do flippy things.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
awh. thank you <3
Reply
:icontwilovetwilight:
twilovetwilight Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
I'm really relating to this one right now...just broke up with my crap of a boyfriend and am loosing hope in all thoughts relating to "The One" for me. But just maybe he's out there. Or right in front of me.
You're pieces never cease to amaze.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
meh. don't lose hope. he's somewhere.

thank you <3
Reply
:icontwilovetwilight:
twilovetwilight Featured By Owner May 17, 2011
no... thank YOU :)<3
Reply
:iconimpracticaldreamer25:
First, this is amazing and beautiful and i love it. I feel like i can almost relate it to what's happening in my life right now. Also, because you asked for us to point out mistakes:

- and i'm left wondering if this is what love is supposed to feel like this. (get rid of the extra "this")
- if i had know today (should be known)
- i would have never left my bed besides when i'm tangled up (after bed, should there be a peridod?)
- but if hands are meant from holding these palms have seen too much bad (? lol)

But this is still brilliant and full of so much emotion. I know I make silly mistakes too when I'm writing and letting everything out lol. One of my favourite lines is, "but maybe a lower wall will let the right things in." <3
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
thank you thank you thank you.

that helped so ridiculously much. you know how when you write something and you keep rereading it for errors but you can't see them because you know what it's supposed to say? that's what editing this was like today. i read it repeatedly out loud but my mind obviously kept skimming over the errors so thank you <3
Reply
:iconscraffetelle:
Scraffetelle Featured By Owner May 17, 2011  Student
this. is. beautiful. :heart:

this is why you're like, the only poet i watch, and everytime you show up in my inbox i turn off my music and read under my breath.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner May 17, 2011   Writer
jfladjslfja. this makes me so happy. it's serious stuff when you need to turn off your music (: so hugeeee compliment.

thank you <3<3
Reply
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