literature

i'm contradictory at best.

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Literature Text

i wonder what it's like to look into your face and not want to spill every secret i've ever had. i want to be startlingly indifferent. i want to say i don't care and mean it. i want to be reckless in more than that jaywalking every morning on my way to work sort of way. i want to say something that will completely change the course of everything forever. i want to be the sort of thing people need to invent a new word for, because "cataclysmic" won't cover what a disaster i am.

i want to be someone new.

i worry about why the air always tastes several degrees colder than your skin. i know there's a correlation that i haven't figured out yet, but my mind doesn't work fast enough to make the connections anymore. i worry that all the synapses are breaking apart and my brain is shutting down. i worry that i'm dying in slow motion from the inside out so no one can even tell. not that anyone would care, but i worry about the most absurd of things. and then i worry that i don't worry enough about you. about me. about anything.

i worry that this isn't me.

i wish sometimes that the whole world wasn't such a disappointment. it's true that we let it get this way, but still wouldn't it be better if it was something…i don't know. more? i've grown sick of hating everything i see that reminds me of myself since i often wonder what will be left to love after i've torn everything apart. i wish that i was brave enough to say what i mean instead of speaking in these contradictions and inside out sentiments. i wish that people understood that it's the things we do when no one's watching that define us. because i swear, i'm better than i seem. or i want to be. i wish there was somewhere i could belong and that i had the simple sureness about myself that i used to plus all the confidence that the world really isn't so bad. that i could still get everything i could ever want. that everything will be okay.

i still wish and want and worry because all i know right now is it's far too easy to lose all the things you thought you'd get to keep forever.
this isn't what i meant to mean.

this is increasingly ridiculous and not very well thought out.
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i can honestly say this is one of the most touching pieces anyone's ever written. it's beautiful and heart wrenching, and i love it. thank you for writing so... perfectly.