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Literature by trekseven

Literature by WintersLastIllusion


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July 6, 2011
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I won't ever be the girl.

No matter how many times I wake up on the faded old couch in your second floor apartment, I won't be the kind of girl you actually want to take home. No matter how much you think you do as you migrate across the room to get closer to me—as if we're magnetic. As if there is some invisible force pulling you to me like gravity.

Except I swear to God, there's none of that and I'm less inclined to believe that love works like this. Like it's some tangible thing that we can prove, define or rationalize. Like there really are some invisible strings holding us together. Like people can actually feel something forever. I still don't see it since I don't ever feel anything that lasts—besides emptiness. I can't imagine how anyone can.

Still I stay here, until I find myself tossing and turning at four am with your breath hot against my shoulder blades, and I'm finally figuring out that I have no idea what I'm doing anymore, because I think I might be doing something awful here.

But I tell myself that you know what this is. What I am. What we are. That you know that I'm just waiting for the moment when the whole world feels like enough again, because I wake up everyday, and nothing is what it used to be. No matter if I wake up curled beneath your threadbare sheets or tangled up in mine or on the hardwood floor of my ex-best-friend's kitchen, I am undeniably alone. Even when I feel your skin pressing against mine, I can't erase all the memories of the things I used to think I'd have forever that are gone now. I know I'll never be the same. That's why when you whisper "I love you" I close my eyes so that I can't see you. This way it's already less real. You're already gone. It already hurts less.

---

It was warm last night, and I could feel the alcohol coursing through my veins--heavy and hot, dulling the sensation of the rocks and blades of grass digging into my skin as I laid across the front lawn of your building, explaining to you how I used to wish on stars until they stopped seeming real to me anymore. I tell you that at some point I realized that they were nothing more than dying flickers of light, and if they're not really there to begin with, I'm clearly wasting my time. Besides my wishes never did come true. You listened with a half grin stuck on your face like I was something special. Something interesting or endearing. I promise I never will be.

But for a split second, as my eyes met yours, I wondered if I was wrong about my wishes not coming true, because you were looking at me like you could love me. That single moment was enough to break me. Enough to make me want to wreck something beautiful. Something like you. So all I wanted to tell you was that you really only think that you love me, because you are convinced that since I've stuck in your life since we were seven years old that all of this—all that we are—is enough, but it's not. Except this sounded cruel even to me and the glow in your eyes made me feel guilty. It made me feel like all of this could be different or better for us both if I wasn't me.

So I rolled over in the grass and closed my eyes, waiting for everything to just stop--waiting for the whole world to stop. Instead I heard my voice coming out in half slurred whispers and stutters, unfamiliar like a stranger, saying all the things I should always keep to myself. I wanted to grab the words out of the air and swallow them back down again, but my inhibitions were low, and I just kept going like letting go of these words was going to save me. Because everyone has that secret that could break your heart if you ever get the chance to hear it, and mine was tumbling out between my lips. But I wasn't ready for you to know, since I'm not ready to lose you yet. The only way to make anyone stay in my life is to keep a carefully controlled distance, because when people get too close nothing looks perfect anymore.

Especially not a broken down girl like me.

---

Last night, we were lying with too little space between us in the front lawn of your apartment, and you were looking at me like you could fix this, but all I could think about was how even the stars let me down. You were looking at me like you loved me and all I could think was how you were already too close. How you were already gone.

How I'm not the girl for you.
I don't even know. I'm still working on it.
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:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
oh, honey. this is beautiful. and i hope it worked out for you.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Writer
it did, but not in the way i expected. life works funny like that, but i found the love of my life instead of being stuck between two wrong choices. sometimes, you have to just let things go.
Reply
:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013
Awww, how wonderful! I'm so glad things worked out well for you.
Reply
:iconmimzy-jm:
Mimzy-JM Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Similar situation. Beautiful darling.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2012   Writer
you're wonderful. Thank you!
Reply
:iconravenofwords:
RavenOfWords Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student Writer
This really made me think, I don't know what to say is so honest and heartbreaking, it's, I don't know, there are not words to get close to what I feel about this, I think it's beautiful
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2012   Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconavalon-maiara:
avalon-maiara Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wow just so beautiful. thank you for writing this!
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012   Writer
awh, absolutely not a problem. it was one of my favorites to write.
thank you for reading it.
Reply
:iconakayuki2106:
AkaYuki2106 Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2012
I'm actually struggling to forms words right now because of how beautiful and heartbreaking that was. Incredible.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012   Writer
awh, you are so so very lovely. thank you so much.
Reply
:iconakayuki2106:
AkaYuki2106 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2012
No problem, you absolutely deserve it <3
Reply
:iconmiki-aniki:
Miki-Aniki Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2012
I feel like I'm looking at myself..
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012   Writer
we look pretty similar (:
Reply
:iconmichi-iyo:
michi-iyo Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012
this is so vulnerable, so real. I love it. <3
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012   Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconbrookiee420:
Brookiee420 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm absolutely positively completely in love with the way you put words down. Every single one of your poems have hit me deep, most of them have brought tears to my eyes. Promise me you won't stop writing. You're amazing.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2011   Writer
awh. this makes me so happy. in fact, it makes my entire night. thank you <3
Reply
:iconbrookiee420:
Brookiee420 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
:) Im so glad I could make your night, and its only truth. :)
Reply
:iconlasalasdelalma:
LasAlasDelAlma Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2011
this is so incredible i want to cry.
this is exactly what i feel always. thank you.
Reply
:icontheironclown:
TheIronClown Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011  Professional General Artist
That was stirring! I feel the same way in most of my relationships......this is very VERY good.
Reply
:iconmeganbreukelman:
meganbreukelman Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2011  Professional Photographer
this is absolutely... breathtaking.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011   Writer
thanks!
Reply
:iconwolf-moon14:
Wolf-Moon14 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011  Student Writer
:hug: I loved this. Reminded me of someone...
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2011   Writer
thanks so much. and me too! of course.
Reply
:iconwolf-moon14:
Wolf-Moon14 Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2011  Student Writer
You're welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconannepam:
annepam Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2011
How can you say that you are not that girl?..
anyway is this your story??
its cool.. i love it.. so interesting and amazing..
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2011   Writer
gah, i don't know. i suppose it what i feel like.
and it is my story. it's not completely true to life. just mostly. exaggerated truth. (:

thanks so much, darling <3
Reply
:iconannepam:
annepam Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011
even if its exaggerated the feelings involved was so intense.. and sometimes its just how we show it in words..
Reply
:iconbookwurmzhao:
bookwurmzhao Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011
I really love this. It's really beautiful. I was wondering if I could borrow your line "even the stars let me down" if I put in the notes that it was, in fact, borrowed from you? If it's okay, and if you'd like, I could send you the link later (as...proof, or such).
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2011   Writer
thank you!
and i hope i don't sound horrible, but i would prefer not. i'm fiercely protective of my writing.
Reply
:iconbookwurmzhao:
bookwurmzhao Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2011
AH, I understand. Thanks for taking the time to read my request, though. :)
Reply
:icondollarkid11893:
dollarkid11893 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2011
loved it. it feels all too familiar. all too human.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
I'm glad to hear that (: thank you.
Reply
:iconrunedarkmoor:
RuneDarkmoor Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I love and simultaneously hate how your work touches something I know all to well, and does it beautifully.

Uncomfortably beautiful? oO
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
a little of something for everyone. (:

but thank you ever so much
Reply
:icondappledgrey:
dappledgrey Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011
Thank you so much.... thank you for writing this. You're great.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
Absolutely. I forever do what I can. ( I never really know what to say when people thank me since my writing is fairly selfish and self-indulgent and I'm ridiculously glad, however, that it helps other people/means something to someone besides me. so long story short. thank you so much. more than i can say <3)
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:iconmissbluejay:
MissBlueJay Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011
I love this!
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
thanks so much, dear <3
Reply
:iconanimalker:
animalker Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011
This is just simply gorgeous.
I'm reading the emotion and creating the scene and it just... hurts me right there because we all feel like we'll never be good enough.

:heart::heart::heart:

You are a brilliant writer. < 3
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
awh, gosh, thank you so so much <3

i hope we all eventually get that we are good enough. i really do.
Reply
:iconlilnuger:
lilnuger Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011
i loved it very mutch. i have never been in love or in the situation discribed, but i hope one day i can find out what all the rage is lol even though it sounds painful. (yes this is a qleshay but oh nuts how do you spell that oh well) it sound like big advencher to pout on my bucket list.
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
cliches are oddly beautiful, so i think it's okay to want them (:
the love part is always great, the pain/anger is less so. it tends to hang on to you long after the love is gone.
i do, however, hope you get whatever you want. i'm mostly hoping you find someone wonderful to love and to have love you. <3
Reply
:iconlilnuger:
lilnuger Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011
thank you very mutch
Reply
:iconz0mdee:
z0mdee Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
cliche I believe~ xD
Reply
:iconz0mdee:
z0mdee Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
But with a little apostrophe or something above the e' lol cliché ? xD
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:iconlightbulbz:
LightBulbz Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011
Yeah, I cried ^^
Reply
:iconpaperheartsyndrome:
paperheartsyndrome Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011   Writer
haha, tearjerker.

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:iconmixofdays:
mixofdays Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful...
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